choosing the ‘healthy’ option
I love going out to eat. I love picking something off the menu, being engrossed in conversation, and that special moment when the plate lands in front of me. I love not having to be the one that cooks. I love that I don’t have to do the dishes (though, if I’m being honest, my partner usually does them in our house). I love that I get to try new combinations of flavours I wouldn’t have thought about myself.
It’s hard to be present and enjoy these small joys if you’re struggling with your relationship with food. Suddenly you’re not the one in control. Someone else is deciding how much food will be on your plate. Someone else will decide how much oil is used in the food. Someone else will decide how many veggies are on the plate. Someone else will make all the decisions that you would usually be meticulous about.
I struggled with my relationship with food in the era of ‘clean eating’. I was obsessed with knowing what was in my food. I was obsessed with ensuring that I burned off more calories than I ate. I was obsessed with being small.
Being invited out to eat was a stressful experience. I had to know where we were going, and at what time, so I could scour the menu online for the ‘healthy option’, and work out what I would eat before and after that ‘healthy option’ to stay on track. My mind at that time was a series of calculations. Food wasn’t food, it was numbers and ingredients.
When I sat down to write this, I took a moment to try and get back into my mindset at that time. When I was choosing the ‘healthy option’, it had very little to do with my health and everything to do with the impact I thought it might have on my body. If I’m being honest with myself, the ‘healthy option’ wasn’t about adding in more fibre, choosing something that would satisfy me, or tuning in to what I felt like. Choosing the ‘healthy option’ was about eating less, keeping myself small and protecting myself from the inevitable feeling of food guilt that arose when I ate anything I didn’t prepare for myself.
The path to being able to choose the food I actually want when I go out wasn’t linear. It has taken many years for me to be at peace with not knowing what’s on the menu. Truthfully the thing that has had the most positive impact has been putting myself in that uncomfortable position of not knowing over and over again. Each time I do it, it’s a little bit easier…almost liberating.
If you are new to this, and want to start embracing food freedom when you go out, here are three things you can try:
1. Choose three safe foods
I wouldn’t be in this position today if I didn’t take little steps. I found looking at the menu before I went eased a lot of the anxious thoughts. Instead of choosing the ‘healthy option’, instead I would look for three meals that I knew would taste great, keep me feeling full, and that I would be comfortable to eat. When I’d arrive at the venue and look at the menu again, I would choose the option that sounded best in that moment.
2. Tell the person you’re going out with
Struggling with your relationship with food can be such an isolating experience, but it doesn't have to be. If you’re nervous about going out to eat, you can share that with the person you’re going with so that they can check in on you and make you feel as comfortable as possible. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. You might say, “I am doing my best to listen to what my body needs, so it would mean a lot to me if you don’t make any comments on the food I choose to eat”, or “eating out is something that I find quite hard, I’d love it if we could talk about anything but food while we eat.”
3. Remind yourself that your body knows what to do with the food you eat
The affirmation that helped me the most when I was repairing my relationship with food was, “I trust that my body knows what to do with the food I eat”. When I would go out, just before my food was going to arrive I’d go to the bathroom and repeat it to myself. Our bodies are so smart, they know how to break down the food and distribute the energy. That’s not for us to do or control. Rebuilding that trust with our body is really important in giving us permission to enjoy the food we love.
Remember, like with anything worth doing, it is risky, uncomfortable, and it takes practice. If you have a day where you go back to your old way of choosing the ‘healthy option’, that’s okay. Next time, and there will be a next time, you will try again and hopefully have a different outcome. It’s not about doing it perfectly, it’s about taking small intentional steps to rebuild your relationship with food.
If this post has raised something for you, there is support available. You can reach out to The Butterfly Foundation, Lifeline, and Beyond Blue right through the festive period.
