I’ve put a pause on online shopping
As someone with a history of disordered eating, my mind is quick to analyse when things look and feel different in my body. Lately, I’ve noticed that I no longer feel comfortable and confident in some of the clothing I used to wear. Items feel tight, sit funny, and don’t feel like ‘me’ anymore.
This year my partner and I are going to Europe for a month. I’m very excited. My hope when I’m there is to wear clothes that are comfy, can be mixed and matched, AND most importantly make me feel confident.
Recently when I’ve purchased things online, I’ve got the wrong size. In some brands I’m one size, in other brands I’m another. I was getting quite frustrated with the process, so I told my family that all I wanted for my 31st birthday was to go shopping for clothes for my trip.
We went shopping last Sunday. When we got to the shops I showed my mum and sister the list over coffee. My mum in particular jumped straight into action mode, determined to get through all of it before lunch. We went around from shop to shop, and I tried things on. Some things I liked, some things made me feel self-conscious, some things were a definite ‘no’, and other things I loved and already can’t wait to wear.
There are three things that made the experience challenging for me.
Comparison:
I compared my current body to my old body, and compared my body to others trying on the same items. While I know it isn’t helpful to compare, I think dismissing that instinct isn’t helpful either. When I noticed it happening, I got curious as to why I was letting those comparison thoughts get to me.
I’d be lying if I said my (very loud) ED voice didn’t show up, because she showed up first. She let me know that if I took more my pride in my body I wouldn’t be in this state of discomfort. Which let’s be honest is a LIE because even at my smallest she still had plenty of thoughts. The thing that helped quiet down that voice was reminding myself of all the things I’m free to do in this body that I couldn’t do in that body. When I think of my life back then, I have no desire to return to it. There are no rose-coloured glasses, there is just darkness. I wouldn’t trade what I have in my life now for anything, especially for a body that was impossible to maintain.
The mirrors:
I only see my full body in the mirror once a day when I get dressed. The mirror is behind my bedroom door, and I use it to make sure my outfit of choice is somewhat coordinated. I’m embarrassed to admit, but occasionally I will pause to admire my body. I am fascinated by how it can look different every week (#hormones) and how growing a little older has changed things too. I accept now that I am no longer in my twenties. A 30 something body is different, and that is okay.
Seeing myself in the mirror so many times at the shops was confronting at first, particularly in the first store where the lighting was awful. As we moved from store to store, I got more comfortable. I am shopping for my current body shape, and I am not intentionally going to do anything to change it. Dressing for myself, as I am now, made for a much calmer shopping experience. I don’t have to wait to wear the clothes, I can wear them now and feel good in them in my current body. That said, I am going to hold off on wearing a couple of the white t-shirts because I’d like them to get to Europe clean.
Size inconsistency:
I was a different size in every store I went into… and it was very annoying. I’m not one to care about the size on my clothes (because literally who cares?), but it did make the shopping experience challenging. I found myself going into the fitting rooms with 2 or 3 different sizes to get one that worked. There was zero consistency or logic to any of it. I reckon if I purchased any of the items online, I would have got 90% of them wrong. While I take the argument that some brands make their clothes bigger to “make people feel good when they try them on”, I just don’t buy it. We should be teaching people to feel confident no matter what size they’re in, rather than intentionally making sizes too big just to get customers to buy more because they’re more comfortable with the number on the tag. That said, if it makes you feel more confident who am I to rob that from you. I personally don’t think it’s a suitable long-term strategy to fostering body appreciation.
There is something I haven’t mentioned yet that was an important part of this experience. After we left the first store, I told my sister how I was feeling. It felt like a relief that I didn’t have to hide or mask how I was feeling with her. When I got home, I spoke to my partner about it too. I am very grateful that I have people in my life that can hold space for me when feelings of inadequacy arise.
I know that for me personally I feel worse about my physical body when lots of other things in my life feel like a lot. When I was struggling with disordered eating, that behaviour was purely a way for me to seek control in a world where I felt like I had very little. The past couple of months have been a lot for me. There has been a lot of change both in my personal life and in my business life. I have been seeking desperately for something to remain the same, so I have something stable to hold onto. Critiquing and controlling my body was an old copy strategy, one that no longer serves me in my life.
This post has been a very long way for me to share that even as someone who has done a lot of work in the body appreciation space, I do have hard days. I’m grateful that those days aren’t all the time, and that I am able to quickly remind myself how much joy I have in my life now without the shackles of diet culture wrapped around me. I am deeply aware that I am loved for who I am, and that my appearance sits separate to that.
When you notice similar feelings arise for you, I encourage you to look at the whole picture of your life. Often, there is something bigger going on that you can’t control, and your body seems like the easiest thing to ‘fix’. Our bodies don’t need to be fixed. Yes, they need love and care, but that comes from more than what we eat and how we move. It comes from the way we speak to ourselves, the way we dress ourselves, and the way we show up for ourselves on the harder days.
If you’re in the thick of it now, you’re not alone and there is support available. I will link it for you below.
If this post has raised something for you, there is support available. You can reach out to The Secret Burden, The Butterfly Foundation, Lifeline, and Beyond Blue .
